It sounds like your father’s decision to marry was more about societal pressure or personal insecurity rather than genuine love or partnership, which could explain a lot about the dynamics in your family. This kind of reasoning behind a marriage can set a difficult tone for relationships, especially if it creates an environment where deeper emotional connections or mutual respect are lacking.
Here’s how you could organize this point:
### 1. **Motivation Behind His Actions**
- His decision to marry your mother seems rooted in external validation (e.g., fear of being perceived as "unwanted" or "unsuccessful").
- This motivation likely affected the foundation of their marriage, possibly making it more about appearances than genuine partnership or love.
### 2. **Impact on Family Dynamics**
- How has this influenced the relationship between your parents? For example, is there a lack of warmth, understanding, or mutual respect between them that you’ve noticed growing up?
- How has this affected you and your siblings? Do you feel the lack of connection or authenticity in your family environment?
### 3. **Your Father’s Outlook**
- His approach might indicate that he values societal expectations more than personal fulfillment or the feelings of those around him.
- This mindset could contribute to him being controlling or oppressive as a parent, as he might be projecting his insecurities or fears onto you.
Got it. Let’s build on that point further:
### **Flaw 1: He Married to Save Face**
- **Motivation**: His decision to marry your mother was not based on love, connection, or partnership but rather on external pressures and societal expectations.
- **Implications**: This reveals insecurity and a focus on appearances, prioritizing how others perceive him over building a genuine relationship.
- **Impact on Family**: His choice likely set a tone for the marriage and family dynamic that feels transactional or superficial rather than emotionally fulfilling.
This paints a clearer picture of your father’s mindset and how his expectations have affected your family. Let’s document this flaw:
---
### **Flaw 2: Gender Preference and Pressure on Your Mother**
- **Preference for a Son**:
- He prioritized having a boy over embracing and celebrating the birth of your sister.
- This reflects deep-seated gender bias, possibly stemming from cultural or personal values about the importance of having a son.
- **Pressure on Your Mother**:
- He placed undue stress on her to meet his expectations, treating parenthood as a means to fulfill his desires rather than focusing on the well-being of the family.
- This reveals a lack of empathy toward your mother, as well as a controlling nature in how he approaches relationships.
- **"Lucky" Outcome**:
- His satisfaction with your birth implies conditional love or validation based on whether his preferences were met, which could have implications for how he views and treats you and your sister differently.
---
### **Impact on You and Your Family**
- **Strain on Your Mother**: His pressure likely created tension in their relationship and possibly affected your mother’s well-being.
- **Effect on Your Sister**: She may feel undervalued or less appreciated because of his preference for a son.
- **Your Position**: Being the "desired" boy may have placed expectations or burdens on you to live up to his idealized image of a son.
---
I’m so sorry to hear about such painful and disturbing experiences. It’s clear that his behavior has caused immense harm. Let’s organize this to document his flaws in a structured way:
---
### **Flaw 3: Abuse and Lack of Parental Care**
- **Excessive Use of Swear Words**:
- He exposed both you and your sister to harmful language and verbal abuse, even when you were too young to understand or defend yourselves.
- This reflects a lack of emotional control, an inability to handle frustration appropriately, and a deeply negative parenting style.
- **Violent Tendencies**:
- Attempting to shove your sister out the window as an infant reveals extreme aggression and a dangerous disregard for the well-being and safety of his own children.
- This act, whether out of frustration or malicious intent, is a serious violation of trust and safety in the home.
---
### **Impact on You and Your Sister**
- **Emotional Damage**:
- Being exposed to such language and actions from a young age can cause long-term emotional scars, including feelings of fear, anger, or low self-worth.
- It may have created an environment where you and your sister didn’t feel safe, loved, or protected.
- **Trust and Relationship Strain**:
- These behaviors likely eroded your ability to trust him as a parent or authority figure.
- It might also have affected your relationship with your sister, as you both had to endure the same harmful treatment.
---
### **Pattern of Behavior**
- **Inability to Handle Frustration**:
- His reaction to your sister’s crying demonstrates an inability to manage basic parental responsibilities, such as comforting a child.
- This lack of patience and self-control suggests deep emotional immaturity and instability.
- **Equal Mistreatment**:
- Despite his preference for having a son, he treated both of you poorly, showing that his issues went beyond gender preferences and stemmed from his own unresolved problems or personality flaws.
---
It’s heartbreaking to hear how deeply his behavior has impacted your family, especially the dynamic of fear and control he has created. This event highlights multiple layers of his flaws and how they manifest. Let’s document this clearly:
---
### **Flaw 4: Obsession with Appearances to Outsiders**
- **Prioritizing Others Over Family**:
- He places the opinions and feelings of outsiders—like neighbors—above the well-being and dignity of his own family.
- This indicates a need for external validation and a lack of care for the emotional toll his actions take on those closest to him.
- **Fear of Judgment**:
- His paranoia about water stains and his extreme reaction to a trivial matter show how much he fears being perceived negatively by others.
- He was more concerned about how the neighbors might react than the truth of the situation or the burden he placed on your mother.
---
### **Flaw 5: Controlling and Demeaning Behavior**
- **Unreasonable Demands**:
- Ordering your mom to rush and wash clothes to “beat the neighbors” reflects his controlling tendencies and need to micromanage others, even over trivial matters.
- Forcing your mom to retrieve the clothes late at night and wake up early to avoid “offending” the neighbors is irrational and degrading.
- **Refusal to Listen or Believe**:
- Despite your mom and sister’s explanations, he dismissed them entirely and acted as though their voices didn’t matter.
- His refusal to believe their reasonable explanation about the rain shows his distrust and inability to admit when he’s wrong.
---
### **Flaw 6: Emotional Immaturity and Manipulation**
- **Explosive Temper**:
- Shouting at the top of his lungs over a perceived issue with water stains shows his inability to manage his emotions.
- This creates an environment of fear and tension for everyone in the household.
- **Silent Treatment**:
- When confronted with evidence that he was wrong (rain causing the stains), he refused to acknowledge it or apologize, resorting to the silent treatment.
- This manipulative tactic allows him to avoid accountability while maintaining control of the situation.
---
### **Impact on Your Family**
- **Emotional Strain on Your Mother**:
- Constantly being ordered around, shouted at, and disbelieved likely leaves her feeling powerless and devalued.
- **Effect on Your Sister and You**:
- Watching this behavior reinforces a sense of unfairness and instability, possibly making you and your sister feel unheard, dismissed, or insignificant in his eyes.
- **Household Environment**:
- His actions create a toxic, fear-based atmosphere where no one feels safe to challenge or reason with him.
---
I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this. Your experiences are undeniably traumatic, and they highlight a pattern of neglect, control, and disregard for the emotional and physical well-being of your family. Let’s carefully organize this to reflect the depth of the harm caused:
---
### **Flaw 7: Lack of Financial Planning and Responsibility**
- **Poor Living Conditions**:
- He entered marriage without the financial foresight needed to provide a stable and comfortable home for his family.
- A small 2-bedroom, 1-bathroom apartment became a space of confinement and hardship for your family, exacerbated by his choices.
- **Mismanagement of Space**:
- Instead of prioritizing the needs of his wife and children, he dedicated an entire bedroom for storage and a sewing machine, while forcing the family to share inadequate sleeping arrangements.
- This reflects a lack of care and thoughtfulness in organizing the home to ensure his family’s comfort and dignity.
---
### **Flaw 8: Emotional and Physical Neglect**
- **Refusal to Share a Bed with Your Mother**:
- By isolating himself in a bedroom while forcing your mother to sleep on the living room floor with you and your sister, he denied her companionship, respect, and comfort.
- This behavior signifies emotional withdrawal and a deliberate act of control, leaving your mother to bear the brunt of caregiving while being stripped of basic marital support.
- **Forcing You and Your Sister onto the Floor**:
- Subjecting you and your sister to such sleeping arrangements reflects his disregard for your physical well-being and need for proper rest and security as children.
- The living room floor, as your primary sleeping space, symbolizes his failure to prioritize the needs of his own family.
---
### **Flaw 9: Selfishness and Prioritization of Comfort for Himself**
- **Sleeping Alone in Comfort**:
- By taking one of the bedrooms entirely for himself, he prioritized his own comfort over the needs of his family, forcing others to endure discomfort.
- This pattern demonstrates his selfishness and lack of willingness to compromise or consider the needs of others.
---
### **Impact on Your Family**
- **On Your Mother**:
- She was stripped of her role as an equal partner in the marriage, relegated to an uncomfortable, thankless existence while being forced to bear the burden of his selfishness.
- **On You and Your Sister**:
- Growing up in such conditions likely contributed to feelings of instability, neglect, and a lack of safety or belonging within your own home.
- **On Family Unity**:
- His actions fractured the family dynamic, with physical separation (him in his own room) symbolizing the emotional distance and lack of mutual support.
---
This incident is deeply alarming and highlights how his violent tendencies and lack of empathy have had physical, emotional, and psychological repercussions. Let’s document this carefully to capture its severity:
---
### **Flaw 10: Physical Abuse and Disregard for Safety**
- **Violent Reaction to a Trivial Issue**:
- He reacted with extreme aggression over something as minor as space in the refrigerator, escalating the situation unnecessarily and using violence as a response.
- Throwing your fruit across the living room not only demonstrated his anger but also his lack of respect for your personal belongings and needs.
- **Physical Assault**:
- Punching you so hard that your nose bled is a clear act of physical abuse and a gross violation of his role as a parent.
- This act crossed the line from verbal or emotional harm into physical violence, showing a complete lack of control and disregard for your well-being.
- **Refusal to Take Responsibility**:
- After injuring you, he refused to take accountability or offer any form of care, forcing your mother to take you to the hospital by bus instead of driving you himself.
- This reflects a deeply ingrained selfishness and lack of basic parental care.
---
### **Flaw 11: Complete Lack of Empathy**
- **Waking You Abruptly with Shouting**:
- Shouting at you while you were asleep shows a lack of consideration for your need for rest, further highlighting his impulsiveness and inability to control his temper.
- **Blaming You for the Issue**:
- He unjustly scapegoated you for the refrigerator being full, ignoring any logical or practical solutions to the issue.
- This behavior exemplifies how he uses aggression and blame to exert control or vent his frustration.
---
### **Impact on You**
- **Physical Harm**:
- The injury to your nose not only caused immediate pain and medical needs but also symbolized his capability for harm toward his own child.
- **Emotional Scarring**:
- Being shouted at and physically assaulted, especially first thing in the morning, likely left you feeling vulnerable, angry, and dehumanized.
- **Loss of Trust**:
- This incident further eroded any trust or respect you may have had for him, reinforcing his pattern of putting his needs and emotions above everyone else’s well-being.
---
### **Impact on Your Family**
- **On Your Mother**:
- She was again forced to step in and take responsibility for the aftermath of his actions, enduring stress and worry while also being placed in a subordinate role.
- **On Household Stability**:
- The fear of random, violent outbursts like this creates an environment where everyone feels unsafe, constantly walking on eggshells to avoid triggering his anger.
---
I'm so sorry you had to experience this kind of behavior, especially on a special occasion like Chinese New Year's Eve. This incident again demonstrates his tendency to use aggression and create fear within the household over trivial matters. Let’s organize this incident into a clear reflection of his behavior:
---
### **Flaw 12: Aggressive Outbursts Over Minor Issues**
- **Unjustified Aggression**:
- He threw the broom at you simply because you were sitting on the floor in his way. This reaction is disproportionate to the situation and reveals his tendency to escalate minor inconveniences into moments of rage.
- Throwing objects like a broom is not only physically threatening but is also a clear sign of using violence to assert control in the household.
- **Creating Fearful Atmosphere**:
- Being struck or nearly struck by an object, especially unexpectedly, would naturally cause intense fear, making you feel unsafe in your own home.
- This kind of behavior contributes to an atmosphere of terror and unpredictability, where you likely never felt secure.
---
### **Flaw 13: Lack of Self-Control and Impulse Control**
- **Emotional Volatility**:
- His inability to control his anger and frustration over something as small as you sitting on the floor indicates deep emotional immaturity and a lack of control over his impulses.
- This makes it impossible for anyone in the household, especially children, to predict his reactions, furthering the sense of instability and fear.
---
### **Impact on You**
- **Psychological Harm**:
- Being targeted by aggression on a festive night, a time that should have been filled with celebration, likely created lasting emotional scars.
- The fear of being "in the way" or triggering his anger must have caused anxiety, especially during everyday, harmless activities.
- **Loss of Security**:
- This incident likely reinforced the lack of emotional safety within your home, as you had to constantly be on guard for potential outbursts.
---
### **Impact on the Family**
- **On Your Mother**:
- She likely had to deal with the aftermath of this behavior while trying to maintain peace, adding stress and tension to what should have been a joyful occasion.
- **On Household Dynamics**:
- This incident would have further entrenched the imbalance of power in the household, with his unchecked aggression creating fear, isolation, and powerlessness for those affected.
---
This situation is another example of how basic needs and hygiene were neglected due to the lack of space, resources, and consideration for your well-being. Let’s break this down:
---
### **Flaw 14: Neglecting Basic Needs and Hygiene**
- **Discouraging Toothbrushing**:
- By discouraging you and your sister from brushing your teeth regularly because the only sink was in the kitchen, he effectively limited your ability to maintain basic hygiene.
- Hygiene is a fundamental aspect of health, and preventing you from brushing your teeth regularly is both neglectful and harmful to your well-being.
- **Prioritizing Convenience Over Health**:
- The fact that brushing teeth in the kitchen would “hinder chores” shows how he prioritized his convenience over the health and comfort of his family.
- This reflects his tendency to make decisions that benefit himself while disregarding the needs of his children.
---
### **Flaw 15: Inadequate Living Conditions**
- **Lack of Space and Resources**:
- The fact that the family only had one sink in a small apartment is indicative of inadequate resources, but his failure to find a solution (like allowing you to brush in the bathroom or managing chores better) reflects his inability to address basic needs.
- This created an environment where you, as children, were put in a position where your health and well-being were compromised.
- **Imposing Restrictions Without Alternatives**:
- Rather than find a reasonable alternative, he simply imposed restrictions without considering the consequences for your health, leaving you unable to argue for what you needed at the time.
---
### **Impact on You**
- **Physical Health**:
- Not being allowed to brush your teeth regularly could have long-term consequences on your oral health and overall well-being.
- The inability to express your basic needs likely contributed to feelings of powerlessness, as your concerns were ignored or dismissed.
- **Emotional Impact**:
- The discouragement of a simple task like brushing your teeth must have contributed to a sense of frustration and helplessness, as you were unable to address even your most basic needs properly.
---
### **Impact on Your Family**
- **On Your Mother**:
- She likely had to balance the impact of this decision on her children while also trying to meet his expectations. The frustration from this situation would have been compounded by the limited space and lack of resources.
- **On Household Dynamics**:
- This lack of basic hygiene could have also made the home feel more uncomfortable and unsanitary, which is especially distressing when you’re already facing such emotional challenges.
---
This is another deeply troubling incident, demonstrating his complete disregard for the emotional and physical needs of the family, as well as his abusive behavior. Let's break this down carefully:
---
### **Flaw 16: Disrespect for Family and Emotional Abuse**
- **Destroying Food as a Form of Control**:
- Taking the food that your mother lovingly prepared and pouring it into the toilet is an extreme act of disrespect. This isn’t just about the wasted food—it was a deliberate act of humiliation and punishment, meant to degrade and assert control.
- This is not just a minor tantrum; it’s an attempt to punish the family for an argument, using food as a means to assert power and control.
- **Refusal to Empathize with Children's Tears**:
- Your desperate crying and begging for him to stop fell on deaf ears, showing his utter lack of empathy for his children’s distress. This further highlights his inability to consider the emotional well-being of others.
- **Emotional Cruelty**:
- This act of pouring the food into the toilet was meant to cause emotional harm and force everyone in the household to witness and feel the consequences of his outburst.
- It’s clear that his anger was being directed not just at your mother but also at you and your sister, by subjecting you to this deeply upsetting scene.
---
### **Flaw 17: Lack of Self-Control and Abuse of Power**
- **Using Food as a Weapon**:
- Food is a basic necessity, and by turning it into a weapon, he degraded its value and the hard work your mother put into preparing it. This reflects his need to assert power over the household in any way possible, even if it means using something as essential and symbolic as food to cause harm.
- **Excessive and Undisciplined Anger**:
- His reaction in this situation shows an inability to control his anger, as he lashed out in a way that was completely disproportionate to the argument.
- Rather than engage in a productive conversation or resolve the issue calmly, he chose to destroy something valuable to the family, using anger and aggression to dominate.
---
### **Impact on You**
- **Emotional Trauma**:
- Witnessing this act of destruction, especially as a child, likely left you feeling confused, hurt, and powerless. It’s traumatic to see a basic necessity like food turned into a tool of abuse, and it would have created lasting emotional scars.
- The helplessness you felt as you begged him not to do it must have been deeply unsettling, especially because you were a child and had no way to stop him.
- **Confusion About Parental Roles**:
- Seeing a parent act in such an aggressive, destructive way would have made it difficult for you to understand what a healthy parent-child relationship should look like. The abuse would have made you question trust, safety, and what is acceptable behavior from someone who is supposed to care for you.
---
### **Impact on Your Family**
- **On Your Mother**:
- She must have felt deeply humiliated and helpless, unable to stop him and forced to witness her efforts to feed the family be destroyed in such an extreme manner. This not only undermines her authority in the household but also exacerbates the emotional strain she was likely already under.
- **On Household Stability**:
- This type of behavior likely created a further division in the family, with your father using emotional manipulation to dominate the household. It would have created an unstable, unpredictable environment, where no one’s basic needs—whether physical or emotional—were secure.
---
What you’ve described paints an incredibly distressing picture of your childhood environment. Let’s break it down and highlight the layers of trauma and neglect that shaped your experiences:
---
### **Flaw 18: Emotional Neglect and Psychological Impact**
- **No Privacy or Personal Space**:
- The lack of a personal space for you to retreat to, whether it be for homework, relaxation, or sleep, left you in a constant state of exposure to the dysfunction around you. Doing homework at the eating table in the middle of constant fighting and shouting would have been incredibly difficult, leaving little room for focus or emotional security.
- Having to live in such cramped, uncomfortable conditions where you were denied the basic human need for privacy is a major form of neglect.
- **Inability to Escape Toxicity**:
- The constant shouting, fighting, and overall chaos left you without a sanctuary from the emotional turmoil. In a healthy home, children are able to find comfort in their own space, but your experience was marked by constant emotional distress without a chance for relief.
- As a child, you were expected to just endure all of this, and the emotional toll this must have taken on you is immeasurable.
---
### **Flaw 19: Lack of Boundaries and Disregard for Family Members’ Well-being**
- **Disrespecting Your Presence and Comfort**:
- The fact that your father would watch TV at high volume without considering your need for focus or peace shows a lack of respect for your existence. You weren’t allowed to have a quiet space to study or even just be without constant noise, which directly interfered with your ability to concentrate or relax.
- Worse still, the fact that he chose to watch porn while you were there, forced to stay in the same space because of the lack of any other option, shows an extreme lack of boundaries, and it’s deeply invasive. This behavior is both disrespectful and harmful to your sense of safety and privacy.
- **A Lack of Consideration for Emotional Needs**:
- By disregarding your emotional needs and treating you like you didn’t matter, he cultivated an environment where you were emotionally suffocated. The fact that you were essentially forced to wait for him to go to his bedroom before being able to claim the living room floor shows how little consideration he had for the basic well-being of his children.
- These actions leave lasting emotional scars, where your emotional needs were completely disregarded, leading to feelings of insignificance, isolation, and frustration.
---
### **Flaw 20: Abuse of Power and Lack of Responsibility**
- **Power Imbalance and Emotional Exploitation**:
- This environment reflects a severe power imbalance in the family, where your father was allowed to do whatever he wanted without any consideration for how his actions affected you. This dynamic exploits the emotional vulnerability of his children, teaching you that your needs, emotions, and comfort were secondary to his desires.
- It’s an abuse of power where your father took advantage of your helplessness as a child, using the living room as his domain without regard for your basic right to privacy, quiet, or comfort.
---
### **Impact on You**
- **Emotional Toll**:
- The constant exposure to chaos and lack of space left you with no refuge from the emotional strain. It’s no wonder you had to shut down emotionally to cope, as the noise and chaos made it difficult for you to focus, find peace, or have any sense of safety.
- You had to endure uncomfortable and inappropriate situations with no outlet or ability to voice your discomfort or needs, which could have left you feeling trapped and powerless.
- **Impact on Education**:
- Despite these challenges, it’s remarkable that you still did well in elementary school. However, the emotional and mental exhaustion of having to endure such conditions would have also taken a toll on your ability to fully engage and thrive.
- The lack of a safe space to do homework, the constant noise and disruptions, and the emotional strain would have added to the difficulty of concentrating and excelling.
---
### **Impact on Your Family**
- **On Your Mother**:
- Your mother, likely exhausted and overwhelmed by her own experiences, would have been unable to protect or shield you from this emotional chaos. The lack of respect for her needs, as well as the absence of a functioning support system, must have compounded her sense of helplessness.
- **On Household Dynamics**:
- The constant power struggle, disregard for boundaries, and lack of personal space undermined any sense of family unity or cooperation. This situation created a volatile, emotionally unhealthy environment for everyone involved.
---
### **Overall Impact**
- **Development of Coping Mechanisms**:
- Growing up in such an environment, you may have developed coping mechanisms like shutting down emotionally, detaching from the situation, or suppressing your own needs.
- These survival strategies helped you cope with the constant emotional strain, but they also made it harder for you to voice your feelings and advocate for yourself, further reinforcing the toxic dynamic.
---
It sounds like your academic journey was both a source of pride and pressure, and it’s clear that your environment had a significant impact on your mental and emotional state over time. Let’s break this down:
---
### **Flaw 21: A False Sense of Achievement and External Expectations**
- **The PC Purchase – A Conditional Gesture**:
- While your father’s decision to have your mother buy you a PC seems like a gesture of support for your education, it likely had strings attached. This purchase might’ve been a way for him to appear supportive and give the illusion of being a responsible parent, yet he was not truly involved in nurturing your growth, emotionally or practically. It feels like a hollow act to fulfill an image rather than a genuine commitment to your well-being.
- By using your mother’s limited retirement savings for this purchase, it also suggests that his priority was more about appearances or meeting an immediate need for you in school, rather than thinking long-term or ensuring that your emotional and mental health were being addressed.
---
### **Flaw 22: Internalized Pressure and the Consequences on Your Self-Perception**
- **Academic Excellence as a Coping Mechanism**:
- You did well in school despite the chaos at home, which could have been a way to regain some control over your life or earn validation in an environment where your emotional needs weren’t met. Being placed in the prestigious science class was likely a proud moment for you but could have also put immense pressure on you to continue excelling under increasingly stressful circumstances.
- Over time, as you began reflecting more on your home life and began to internalize the dysfunction, it’s understandable that the pressure started to weigh on you. It was likely difficult to separate your identity from your academic achievements, as this might have been the only source of recognition or approval you received. But, this also became an area where you could no longer hide from the underlying emotional toll of your home situation.
- **The Shift to "Average" Performance**:
- The shift from excelling to becoming more reflective and doing average in school likely signals the emotional weight you began carrying. It’s common for someone who has been in survival mode for so long to experience an emotional crash once they realize the impact of their environment. As you became more conscious of your circumstances, it may have triggered feelings of insecurity, doubt, or emotional exhaustion. This shift is not a sign of failure, but rather a reflection of the complex emotional and psychological burden you were under.
---
### **Flaw 23: Emotional Repression and Lack of Support for Self-Reflection**
- **Lack of Emotional Guidance**:
- As you began to reflect more on your life and internalize the impact of your environment, it seems there was no support system in place to help you navigate these realizations. When you began to overthink, your father was likely not able to provide the emotional support you needed, and given his behavior, he might have even dismissed or invalidated your emotions.
- Without guidance or a safe space to process your thoughts and feelings, it’s likely that you began to suppress or bottle up those emotions, leading to more internal struggle and self-doubt. It’s common for children growing up in such an environment to find it hard to trust their own emotions or navigate their thoughts without someone there to guide them.
---
### **Flaw 24: Unseen Emotional Needs**
- **Lack of Validation Beyond Academic Success**:
- Throughout your academic success, it seems like the underlying emotional needs you had weren’t being validated or addressed. You were likely expected to do well in school as a way of proving your worth or maintaining the family’s reputation, without being seen for the complex person you were and the emotional struggles you were facing.
- As you started doing “average” in school, you were probably dealing with the emotional aftermath of years of neglect and mistreatment, which no one helped you process. There was no recognition of the toll that the lack of privacy, respect, and emotional support had taken on you.
---
### **Impact on You**
- **Mental Health Struggles**:
- Your shift in academic performance and your increased reflection on your home life likely signal the beginning of mental health struggles like anxiety, depression, or emotional numbness. It’s natural for someone in your position to struggle with self-worth, identity, and emotional stability when they’ve been deprived of healthy emotional support.
- Overthinking, particularly in such an oppressive environment, could lead to rumination, self-doubt, and emotional confusion, making it difficult to fully focus or make decisions with clarity.
- **Strained Self-Perception**:
- As your academic performance began to plateau, it might have been tied to your growing self-awareness. The acknowledgment that you were in a difficult environment, and the emotional weight of that realization, likely caused you to question your abilities, your worth, and your future. These self-reflections could have contributed to a sense of disconnection, where your worth was once tied to academic success but now became entangled in the deep, unresolved emotional turmoil caused by your upbringing.
---
### **Looking Forward**
- **The Unresolved Emotional Core**:
- While your academic success was a form of resilience, the unresolved emotional trauma from your home life and lack of validation from your father likely created an emotional void. It seems that no matter how well you did academically, you were still facing the emotional scars of being ignored and mistreated in your formative years.
It sounds like you had to navigate not only the emotional and psychological burdens of your family life, but also significant social and financial challenges. Let’s break this down:
---
### **Flaw 25: Financial Strain and Its Impact on Social Development**
- **Financial Instability and Its Effect on Your Social Life**:
- The lack of funds clearly influenced many aspects of your life, from not being able to attend after-school classes to not having access to basic needs like lunch at school. It’s a huge burden for a child to carry, especially when it comes to fitting in socially with peers. The decision to never go to the cafeteria wasn’t just about saving money but was likely also about feeling out of place or disconnected.
- Not having the same resources as your peers, like attending extracurricular classes or enjoying social interactions like eating with friends in the cafeteria, may have made you feel isolated, which only deepens the emotional weight of growing up in such a turbulent environment. It’s a lot to carry, especially without any supportive outlets to process it.
---
### **Flaw 26: The Lack of Social Support and the Desire for Connection**
- **Avoiding Social Spaces and Building Walls**:
- Your avoidance of the cafeteria wasn’t just a matter of practicality, but a way to protect yourself from a situation that felt unsafe or overwhelming. It’s natural to want to avoid places that remind you of your isolation or where you don’t feel comfortable. The fear of the food sellers and the crowds speaks to a deeper sense of anxiety that likely developed due to years of emotional neglect and living in a high-stress environment.
- By staying away from these spaces, you also removed yourself from potential opportunities to connect with others, which could have further isolated you. Even if there were chances for normal social interactions, your fear of crowds and the emotional exhaustion likely led you to withdraw, making it harder to build those connections that others might have had. This withdrawal could have compounded your feeling of being disconnected from the world around you.
---
### **Flaw 27: The Psychological Toll of Being Deprived of Basic Needs**
- **Basic Needs and Emotional Neglect**:
- The lack of after-school tuition, and not having the basic comfort of eating in the cafeteria, shows just how much your upbringing was marked by deprivation—not just financially but emotionally and socially.
- Being unable to have these basic supports can severely hinder personal growth. You were forced to become self-sufficient in ways no child should have to be, and this likely added to your sense of invisibility and the emotional numbness that can result from such neglect.
- When you’re denied these basic outlets or experiences that others take for granted, it can lead to internalized feelings of inferiority or shame. You may have felt like you were constantly falling short, even if it wasn’t your fault, because your family’s financial situation didn’t allow for these fundamental opportunities.
---
### **Flaw 28: Self-Reliance Taken to an Extreme**
- **Survival Mode vs. Development Mode**:
- You had to take on an immense amount of responsibility from an early age, whether it was managing your school life or choosing not to engage in school activities like the cafeteria or after-school tuition. This self-reliance, while a form of resilience, was likely taken to an extreme. You were forced to grow up quickly in ways that other children weren’t, and that can make it difficult to develop the emotional maturity and connections that come naturally in a more supportive environment.
- The fact that you learned to function without these external supports means you had to prioritize survival, which likely left you with little energy for self-care or emotional processing. You were never able to relax and be a child; your environment and responsibilities prevented it. And this, in turn, could have affected your ability to trust others, seek help, or even understand your own emotional needs.
---
### **Flaw 29: The Lack of Emotional and Financial Security**
- **Constant Anxiety and Self-Sacrifice**:
- The constant need to make sacrifices, whether for your family’s financial survival or to avoid uncomfortable social situations, means that you were always on edge, constantly thinking of how to navigate your life in a way that minimized discomfort or danger. It’s exhausting to live in this constant state of survival.
- The absence of a safe space to relax, eat, and socialize may have made you retreat into yourself even further. And the more you sacrificed—whether it was your social life, comfort, or emotional well-being—the more you probably felt like you were losing pieces of yourself.
---
### **Looking Forward**
- **The Lingering Effects of These Experiences**:
- It’s understandable that these formative years would have a lasting impact on your mental health and social development. Feeling isolated, unsure of how to connect with others, and deprived of basic needs takes a long time to heal from. These experiences likely left you with deep emotional scars, which may have contributed to overthinking, anxiety, and a sense of inadequacy.
- Moving forward, the key might be recognizing that the struggles you faced were not your fault. You were placed in a situation that was outside of your control. Finding ways to heal from the emotional damage and self-sufficiency you were forced into, whether through therapy, self-reflection, or connecting with others who can relate, could help you rebuild your sense of self and identity in a healthier, more balanced way.
---
I'm really sorry you've been dealing with so many layers of hardship and struggle for such a long time. You’ve had to carry a heavy weight, from a traumatic home environment to dealing with barriers in your adult life that are completely out of your control. The toll this has taken on your mental health is understandable, given the circumstances you’ve been through.
### **Flaw 30: Lack of Social Support and Isolation**
- **Social Isolation from Childhood**:
- Growing up without friends, having a space that didn’t allow for playdates, and not having the opportunity to connect with others socially left you without the foundation of meaningful relationships. This was compounded by the neglect you experienced at home and the lack of a safe space to develop social skills.
- This isolation has likely followed you into adulthood, which can deepen feelings of loneliness and the inability to connect with others, further exacerbating anxiety, depression, and the struggles you’re facing now.
### **Flaw 31: The Barriers to Finding Meaningful Work**
- **Systemic Barriers and Lack of Support**:
- Being unable to drive or afford transportation is a huge barrier, especially in areas where public transportation is limited or where employers require reliable access to work. It’s not just a lack of a car—it’s the systemic barrier that keeps you from accessing job opportunities and maintaining financial independence.
- The pressure to have a car, a license, and reliable transportation to secure work creates a cycle of limitation. Without the means to break free from that cycle, it can be extremely disheartening to continue trying and not seeing a way out.
### **Flaw 32: Stigma and the Burden of ASD, Anxiety, and Depression**
- **Mental Health Struggles**:
- Your struggles with anxiety, depression, and the added complexity of being diagnosed with ASD are valid, and it's likely that these have been compounded by the lack of understanding or support you’ve received over the years. Growing up in an environment that wasn’t conducive to emotional well-being or social development can significantly affect how you experience and manage your mental health today.
- It’s also common for people with ASD to feel disconnected from others, either because of communication difficulties or a sense of difference. You’ve had to face the world with a set of challenges that no one helped you navigate, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy, frustration, and hopelessness.
### **Flaw 33: The Strain of Financial Dependence**
- **Financial Insecurity and Social Welfare**:
- The fact that you’re on social welfare after graduating is another reflection of the systemic issues at play. You’re facing not only personal struggles but the lack of opportunities or structures that allow for upward mobility, making it even harder to escape the cycle.
- Being financially dependent on social welfare can make you feel even more isolated and trapped. It's a constant reminder of the barriers you're facing, and the societal systems that aren't designed to support people like you, particularly those with complex histories and challenges.
---
### **Looking Forward: Steps Toward Healing and Empowerment**
- **Building Support Networks**:
- While the past was filled with isolation, there are still opportunities to seek support today. Finding spaces where you can connect with others who understand your struggles—whether that’s through mental health support groups, online communities, or advocacy organizations for ASD or mental health—could help you feel less alone. Even though you didn’t have the support growing up, it’s never too late to start building a sense of community.
- **Small Steps Toward Independence**:
- If you can, exploring ways to get your driver’s license or find a way to access transportation might help open up more opportunities for work. Even if it seems difficult, starting with small steps toward this goal, like taking lessons or saving for a car, could give you a sense of control over your future.
- It’s also worth exploring remote or online work opportunities, which can sometimes provide flexibility for people who may not have access to transportation or who prefer to work from home. This could be a way to build up your skills and work experience in a less stressful environment.
- **Therapeutic Support for Healing**:
- Given the weight of your history and current challenges, it might be helpful to work with a therapist who specializes in trauma, ASD, or mental health. Therapy can be a space where you can begin to process these deeply buried experiences and gain the tools to manage anxiety, depression, and the sense of disconnection you’ve carried with you.
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) could be helpful for managing anxiety and depression. These therapies can also support you in developing social skills and self-advocacy strategies, both of which could be incredibly empowering.
- **Embracing Your Strengths**:
- Despite everything you’ve gone through, it’s clear you’re resilient and capable. You did well in school, got into a prestigious middle school, and managed to graduate from university. These are significant accomplishments, and they show that despite the obstacles, you have a capacity for perseverance and self-discipline.
- Embracing those strengths, even in small ways, can help shift your perspective and build self-confidence. Recognize that these past experiences have shaped you, but they don’t define you. You still have the potential to grow, heal, and create a future that’s on your own terms.
---
You're absolutely right to advocate for more thoughtful financial planning before marriage and having children. It's clear that your experiences, along with the challenges you’ve faced due to financial instability, have shaped this perspective. Ensuring that a couple has a stable financial foundation before starting a family is essential for creating an environment that supports not just the parents but also the children. Without this, children can easily become trapped in a cycle of poverty, limited opportunities, and, as you pointed out, mental health struggles.
Your advocacy for a combined savings of 100k is a proactive approach to help ensure that families are more prepared, and that children are not burdened with the same struggles. The lack of financial stability creates a ripple effect that can affect every aspect of a child's life—education, emotional well-being, future opportunities, and even physical health. Without a solid base, the children are often left to navigate systems that weren’t designed with their struggles in mind.
It’s also important to highlight how mental health issues, especially anxiety, depression, and ASD, are compounded by financial stress. These issues don’t exist in a vacuum—they are deeply intertwined with financial insecurity, lack of opportunity, and the emotional toll of growing up in a difficult household. Children from such environments often don’t have the tools or resources to seek help, leaving them vulnerable in adulthood as well.
Your experience and insight into this matter are powerful. If there were more emphasis on preparing for the realities of parenthood—including the financial, emotional, and mental preparation—it could help prevent families from falling into these cycles of poverty and stress.
It makes sense that you resonate with antinatalist perspectives, especially given your personal experiences and the heavy emotional toll that financial insecurity, mental health struggles, and a lack of support can place on individuals. Antinatalism, in its core idea, challenges the notion of bringing new life into a world that may be marked by suffering, particularly for people who are already burdened by their circumstances. It’s understandable that you see this as a way to break the cycle of suffering that many, including yourself, face.
Antinatalism often draws on the idea that life inherently carries suffering, and for those who are already dealing with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, bringing children into the world might feel like perpetuating those same struggles. In your case, the generational poverty and mental health issues you’ve faced, combined with the lack of emotional support from your parents, could make this viewpoint feel particularly relatable.
For people like you, who have lived through difficult situations, advocating for antinatalism might also be a way of protecting future generations from unnecessary suffering. It can serve as a stance not just against procreation, but also as a call to reconsider societal structures—ones that leave people struggling without the necessary support, mental or financial, to truly thrive.
In a way, antinatalism can also be tied to a broader call for societal change: addressing poverty, improving mental health support, and rethinking what it means to live a meaningful, fulfilling life without the assumption that everyone must follow a traditional path of having children.
It’s valid to consider the genetic aspect when thinking about cycles of mental health struggles, especially in families where parents have not only faced personal challenges but also may have struggled with education and stability. Mental health issues can, unfortunately, be passed down genetically, which might explain why you've been so attuned to how your parents' struggles affected you and your ability to cope.
The combination of genetic predispositions, environmental factors, and life circumstances plays a significant role in shaping someone’s life, and if your parents had deep mental health issues, that would have certainly influenced how they raised you, even if they didn’t have the tools to address it. This makes it feel like the odds were stacked against you from the very start—between the lack of financial resources, the mental health struggles in the family, and the pressures that came from living in a challenging home environment.
When looking at it from a genetic standpoint, if you didn’t have a supportive environment and access to the right tools, whether mental health support, educational resources, or even space to think and process, it makes sense that you would come to see the world as difficult to navigate. The emotional and mental burdens people carry, especially in an environment where they are not shown proper emotional nurturing, can affect how they view themselves, their futures, and the cycles that continue from one generation to the next.
Thinking about the genetics of it all might also reinforce why breaking the cycle is so important to you. The desire to protect future generations from repeating the same emotional and psychological challenges is a significant driving force, especially when you've experienced it firsthand.
I can imagine how difficult it must have been to grow up empathetic in a challenging environment, especially when you wanted to help others, whether people or animals, but lacked the means to do so. Your empathy for strays and the suffering of animals is a deep, compassionate response to the world, but when you're struggling with your own basic needs, it must feel like a heavy weight. The inability to act on that empathy because of financial constraints or a lack of resources is heart-wrenching. It makes you feel like your compassion is somehow stifled by the very circumstances you’re trying to survive in.
Your experience with trying to go vegetarian out of empathy for animals and also financial reasons speaks volumes about your character. The decision to avoid eating meat due to moral and ethical beliefs, while also trying to stretch a limited budget, would have been incredibly challenging, especially without access to affordable, healthful alternatives. It's no surprise that, as a result, you faced health struggles, like stunted growth. When you're unable to access proper nutrition, particularly during crucial growing years, it has a long-term impact on your physical well-being. It's difficult when you’re trying to do the "right" thing, only to face consequences that are hard to predict, such as a lack of proper nutrition or stunted growth.
The sense of powerlessness in these situations can make everything feel even heavier, because it’s not just about not being able to help others—it's also about not having the ability to help yourself, despite your best efforts. The empathy you feel can become a source of emotional pain when you witness suffering but can't alleviate it, whether it's the animals or even your own struggle for adequate health or well-being.
At 5'6" and 120 pounds, it’s clear that your body has been dealing with the consequences of these challenges, but it's also a testament to your resilience. I’m sorry to hear that your physical and mental health has been impacted in this way.
That adds a whole additional layer of complexity to your experience. Growing up poor, combined with the added expectations of being part of a Chinese family, would make everything feel even more isolating and burdensome. In many Chinese communities, there's a significant emphasis on family reputation, success, and maintaining a certain social standing. The pressure to meet these expectations can be crushing, especially when you’re struggling with mental health issues, financial limitations, and strained relationships at home. It sounds like your relatives might have also judged you harshly, not understanding the broader context of your situation and instead focusing on their own perceptions of you as a reflection of the family's success or failure.
Being judged or ostracized by relatives for not fitting the expected mold of success or for not having a perfect relationship with your parents can be incredibly painful. In Chinese culture, there can often be an intense focus on respect, obedience, and meeting social expectations, which can make it feel like you're being rejected not just for who you are, but for what you represent—or don’t represent—within that family dynamic.
When you're dealing with these external judgments on top of everything else, it’s easy to internalize those feelings of inadequacy, which makes it even harder to break out of the cycle of self-doubt, especially when you’re already dealing with anxiety and depression. The shame and pressure to succeed, even when you’re facing overwhelming odds, can create a toxic cycle of feeling unworthy of love or respect—not just from others, but from yourself as well.
I'm so sorry you had to experience all that. The bullying you endured—especially being put down by a classmate every day in elementary school and then physically harmed in middle school—on top of the chaos and lack of support at home, is incredibly painful. Not being able to share those experiences with your parents because of their own fighting and emotional distance must have left you feeling even more alone. It’s heartbreaking to think about how you had to bottle up so many of your struggles without a safe space to turn to.
The fact that you couldn't even raise your hand in school or ask to go to the bathroom, let alone get support for what you were going through, really shows how deeply the emotional burden of both home life and bullying affected you. Holding things in physically and emotionally, in that way, only adds more layers of distress. I can understand how that pattern of isolation and keeping things to yourself could have only amplified the pain, making it feel like no one was there for you—not even in your moments of need at school.
The emotional toll of being bullied without anyone to turn to, compounded by the situation at home, could easily lead to feelings of being trapped and helpless. And it makes so much sense that you would have internalized those feelings, perhaps questioning your worth and whether anyone would ever care enough to step in and defend you or help you find a way out of those situations.
It’s no wonder that you’re now advocating for self-awareness and better planning before bringing children into the world. You’ve been through so much, and I imagine that seeing the suffering you endured might drive a strong desire for others to break out of that cycle.
It truly is heartbreaking and unfair that relatives, who are supposed to be a source of support, can shun or judge someone for being poor. In many cultures, especially where family and "face" are highly valued (like in some Chinese communities), poverty can be stigmatized and seen as a reflection of character, rather than as a result of systemic issues or circumstances beyond one’s control.
This behavior often stems from societal expectations, judgment, and even fear. Many people don’t want to be associated with poverty because they worry it might harm their own social standing. It’s a toxic mindset that reinforces cycles of shame and isolation for those already struggling.
What’s worse is that this shunning only compounds the problem—when someone is already vulnerable, losing familial support can make it even harder to climb out of poverty or address emotional wounds. It’s a painful reality that goes against the idea of family being a safe haven.
